UPDATE
Wow. The things that change in 4 years. Reading my posts from 4 years ago I could feel my anxiety, my desires, my constant searching for something not there. I would love to go back and tell that girl to just CHILL. It will all fall into place. I had no clue. I was so worried about planning the rest of my life that I was just living on the cusp of nothing. I was stressed and waiting for something to just appear that changed everything. This is where God stepped in. I had no idea at the time that he was transforming my heart and mind. I developed a new courage. One month after my last blog post I started working in the ER, totally outside of my comfort zone. That job catapulted so many things. I have so many lifelong friendships, connections, knowledge, and memories from that job.
Fast forward, a year and a half into this job working nights and loving it, I get THE phone call. My mother texted me and informed me that my adopted brother's biological mother had just had baby number 5. I was currently working as the camp nurse for Beginner Camp at Pettijohn Springs. For some reason, I completely lost it. I was mad. I was scared for the baby. I had no idea what this meant. Why could she have ANOTHER kid and I still had none? DHS told my mom that there was no family to care for this baby and he would be discharged tomorrow. If she knew anyone willing to take a newborn, potentially family that could keep him close with siblings, she needed to speak up. I again lost it. I called Trent and we prayed and cried and had no clue if we could even be considered.
The next day I get the next phone call that if we want this baby, we have been selected for emergency placement and need to get to Stillwater to fill out paperwork and get our house approved. We had sold our house about a year prior and were living in the tiniest efficiency apartment. I leave Madill at about 100mph, Trent leaves his fire convention and we head to Stillwater. I am on the phone with apartment complexes trying to get us a bigger apartment THAT DAY. Luckily being a college town, we made it happen. Trent filled out pages and pages of paperwork, they came and checked our new vacant apartment. My family ran up to pack our tiny apartment. 8:00pm, phone call from DHS, "I am ready to meet you with the baby, let's meet in OKC. What is a well lit place to meet?" My husband naturally picks Bass Pro Shops. Next thing I know I am sitting in Bass Pro parking lot with a baby in my lap. He had cried the entire way to the parking lot, but the second I picked him he just stopped. I mean stopped. For like 3 weeks he never cried. I thought I broke him. He was perfect in every way. He was tiny and covered in black hair. The amazing job I had let me off for 1 month and switched me to day shift two months later working around Trent's fire schedule. It was the biggest blessing. He is now 3 and so incredibly smart and curious and currently wants to be a cowboy every single day. We were told that he would need to be routinely evaluated for risk for failure to thrive and developmental delay. He is currently 43 inches tall weighing 40 pounds and is extremely advanced.
Fast forward from getting T, I have now gotten my Bachelors and am moving on to get my masters. At Truett's second birthday everyone keeps telling me I look so tired. I had just gotten back from Beginner Camp (the same camp I was at when I found out about T), plus I had a toddler so give me a break! Yes I was tired! We had gone on a family cruise a couple weeks before that was so fun, but exhausting. I thought nothing of it, until the next day when I was cleaning out my suitcase and found what I was supposed to have used on the cruise for my "time of the month". At that moment, I knew. I was pregnant. Made up some story about a broken hair dryer to Trent and ran to Walgreens for a test. Immediately took it and screamed to Trent who was changing Truett's diaper. His response, "We need to get Truett potty trained!" I started my Masters THE NEXT DAY.
This is basically 4 years summed up in the biggest life events that 4 years prior I was searching for prematurely. If we had gotten pregnant when I wanted to, we would probably not have been able to take T. God directs each step and I was pushing him back and telling him that I wanted it my way. I was depressed and anxious because this wasn't what my life should look like. BUT now, its crazy and beautiful and not anything like I planned. God opened my heart and my mind up to living in the moment. Whatever moment I was in needed to be cherished. At 30 weeks pregnant, I laid in bed with my Papa and told him goodbye. He was in and out of consciousness, weak, and could only hold my hand. We laid there for several minutes while I just cried. He told me that he wasn't going to get to meet H, and that broke me. My Papa was everything I am not. He was quiet and humble. He was always there rain or shine. I am loud and often too proud with plenty of crazy going on to get my priorities jacked up. My Papa spoke so much encouragement and life into my dreams. I wanted to get my Masters, but had my doubts. He had no doubts and told me that I was going to do it. He also told me he thought H would be a girl, and yet I have another boy. Nonetheless, a lot has happened in these 4 years. I am so glad that I have gotten closer to my family, gained many friendships, and got to spend those last few days with my Papa.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I thought, what a time to reflect. I read this blog like it was a time capsule. I have a whole new appreciation for my husband because obviously he was putting up with my crazy the entire time. He has been my rock through everything. School, babies, moving, and everything in between he has been there supporting me. God knew the whole time. He knew all along the way this would all go down, and yet I resisted and wanted my own plans to come through first. Here I am to say, give it up. Give it all up. Give your whole life to him, because you know what? Those 4 years passed by no matter what I did. I am so thankful I had the support from my husband and family to get me out of my rut and encourage me. God did that. He put those people in my life well before I knew how good they would be. He placed those blessings at just the right time, His time.
The lesson at church this past Sunday hit home on so many levels, give it up. More of Him and less of me. Listen to it at westsidechurchofchrist.org. It was very convicting. Here I am though, still alive, still imperfect, but giving it all to God and truly embracing every moment. My goal is to have more people in my home. Spend less time with "smart" electronics and more time with my tribe. 4 years ago all of this seemed impossible. It can happen. The verse of the day is 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Fast forward, a year and a half into this job working nights and loving it, I get THE phone call. My mother texted me and informed me that my adopted brother's biological mother had just had baby number 5. I was currently working as the camp nurse for Beginner Camp at Pettijohn Springs. For some reason, I completely lost it. I was mad. I was scared for the baby. I had no idea what this meant. Why could she have ANOTHER kid and I still had none? DHS told my mom that there was no family to care for this baby and he would be discharged tomorrow. If she knew anyone willing to take a newborn, potentially family that could keep him close with siblings, she needed to speak up. I again lost it. I called Trent and we prayed and cried and had no clue if we could even be considered.
The next day I get the next phone call that if we want this baby, we have been selected for emergency placement and need to get to Stillwater to fill out paperwork and get our house approved. We had sold our house about a year prior and were living in the tiniest efficiency apartment. I leave Madill at about 100mph, Trent leaves his fire convention and we head to Stillwater. I am on the phone with apartment complexes trying to get us a bigger apartment THAT DAY. Luckily being a college town, we made it happen. Trent filled out pages and pages of paperwork, they came and checked our new vacant apartment. My family ran up to pack our tiny apartment. 8:00pm, phone call from DHS, "I am ready to meet you with the baby, let's meet in OKC. What is a well lit place to meet?" My husband naturally picks Bass Pro Shops. Next thing I know I am sitting in Bass Pro parking lot with a baby in my lap. He had cried the entire way to the parking lot, but the second I picked him he just stopped. I mean stopped. For like 3 weeks he never cried. I thought I broke him. He was perfect in every way. He was tiny and covered in black hair. The amazing job I had let me off for 1 month and switched me to day shift two months later working around Trent's fire schedule. It was the biggest blessing. He is now 3 and so incredibly smart and curious and currently wants to be a cowboy every single day. We were told that he would need to be routinely evaluated for risk for failure to thrive and developmental delay. He is currently 43 inches tall weighing 40 pounds and is extremely advanced.
Fast forward from getting T, I have now gotten my Bachelors and am moving on to get my masters. At Truett's second birthday everyone keeps telling me I look so tired. I had just gotten back from Beginner Camp (the same camp I was at when I found out about T), plus I had a toddler so give me a break! Yes I was tired! We had gone on a family cruise a couple weeks before that was so fun, but exhausting. I thought nothing of it, until the next day when I was cleaning out my suitcase and found what I was supposed to have used on the cruise for my "time of the month". At that moment, I knew. I was pregnant. Made up some story about a broken hair dryer to Trent and ran to Walgreens for a test. Immediately took it and screamed to Trent who was changing Truett's diaper. His response, "We need to get Truett potty trained!" I started my Masters THE NEXT DAY.
This is basically 4 years summed up in the biggest life events that 4 years prior I was searching for prematurely. If we had gotten pregnant when I wanted to, we would probably not have been able to take T. God directs each step and I was pushing him back and telling him that I wanted it my way. I was depressed and anxious because this wasn't what my life should look like. BUT now, its crazy and beautiful and not anything like I planned. God opened my heart and my mind up to living in the moment. Whatever moment I was in needed to be cherished. At 30 weeks pregnant, I laid in bed with my Papa and told him goodbye. He was in and out of consciousness, weak, and could only hold my hand. We laid there for several minutes while I just cried. He told me that he wasn't going to get to meet H, and that broke me. My Papa was everything I am not. He was quiet and humble. He was always there rain or shine. I am loud and often too proud with plenty of crazy going on to get my priorities jacked up. My Papa spoke so much encouragement and life into my dreams. I wanted to get my Masters, but had my doubts. He had no doubts and told me that I was going to do it. He also told me he thought H would be a girl, and yet I have another boy. Nonetheless, a lot has happened in these 4 years. I am so glad that I have gotten closer to my family, gained many friendships, and got to spend those last few days with my Papa.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I thought, what a time to reflect. I read this blog like it was a time capsule. I have a whole new appreciation for my husband because obviously he was putting up with my crazy the entire time. He has been my rock through everything. School, babies, moving, and everything in between he has been there supporting me. God knew the whole time. He knew all along the way this would all go down, and yet I resisted and wanted my own plans to come through first. Here I am to say, give it up. Give it all up. Give your whole life to him, because you know what? Those 4 years passed by no matter what I did. I am so thankful I had the support from my husband and family to get me out of my rut and encourage me. God did that. He put those people in my life well before I knew how good they would be. He placed those blessings at just the right time, His time.
The lesson at church this past Sunday hit home on so many levels, give it up. More of Him and less of me. Listen to it at westsidechurchofchrist.org. It was very convicting. Here I am though, still alive, still imperfect, but giving it all to God and truly embracing every moment. My goal is to have more people in my home. Spend less time with "smart" electronics and more time with my tribe. 4 years ago all of this seemed impossible. It can happen. The verse of the day is 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
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