Never spoken.
Well here it is, the thing no one ever wants to hear. I did not want to go to church today. I did not want to even get out of my bed... so I didn't. Simple as that. There comes a point in life where your faith is no longer your parent's faith. Although I was raised in the church and am very grateful for that, I was that kid that answered every question with "well may parents won't let me" "my parents said it is wrong", "my parents say we don't believe in that".... Get the picture? Today was another day I faced of no one there to drag my selfish butt out of bed.
I would say I have truly looked my faith in the mirror probably since I got engaged at age 18. Cliché right? I married my high school sweetheart and got my first taste of freedom at the age I was legally considered an adult. My faith was so superficial before that point. Before that point I did not ever have to prove my own faith (except in abstinence, which was again the fear of the Lord and my earthly, law enforcement, faithful father).
When faced with recent troubles in life, all I can do is look in the mirror and at my husband who has been with me through all of it. We prayed. We read our bibles. Yet here I am on a Sunday on my couch "blogging" instead of being involved at church. I have no good reason. I don't believe in excuses EVER, so I will definitely not throw that out there. The only thing I could think of is how selfish. I have friends facing divorce, alcoholism, depression, and everything under the sun. But OH, Haley had a bad day so I will just stay home from CHURCH. The people that I need and that need me. This entry is so grammatically horrifying ha.
Never indulging in the story behind my frustration, I think I have finally realized how I have made church a job. There are times I clock in and clock out. I am late to bible class approximately 95% of the time. I am late to my job approximately NEVER. Another truth I hate to admit, but if someone is willing to read this I am willing to be transparent. I literally looked my husband in the face last night and said, "life sucks". Do I truly think life sucks? Maybe. He being the amazing man he is reminded me of every reason why I know life in fact does not "suck". Life is hard. God never guaranteed ease in this life. Yet when it gets rough I run. I close myself out. I do not want to talk to anyone. I want to sit on my cough and angrily type about myself. HA it sounds idiotic and probably is. At least it may be entertaining.
The past 4 days have been the hardest days of my life. Hard. That is all. I do not have cancer, my marriage is probably the best it has been, I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet (not currently, the whole lazy couch thing). Basically I have never gone without. EVER. Think about that. I have had it EASY. Yes I have faced trials like nursing school, marriage in general, living in a town I despised, the list goes on. Never have I had it hard.
You want to know what makes it easy? No one came and dragged me out of bed. No one texted or called and asked where I was. Ha, it just opened my eyes to the fact that if I let my faith fall of the face of the earth, it might be easy at first. Now someone would start to notice that I was nowhere to be found when I am supposed to teach Wednesday night bible class to Pre-K and K, but really? Today was easy to give up, and I hated it. Because when you stop and think about, on that great day when Jesus returns who is there to drag you out of your filth? Who is there to say, "Well she really meant to be a good Christian, but it was so hard."? No one.
So for maybe just a day I tried to make this life easy. I tried to skip out, but apparently the gift of the Holy Spirit is urging me to not do easy. Easy to me is locking it up, letting no one in, putting the smile on my face and talking about the weather :) Which is probably another reason for my foul mood.... I vow to no longer take the easy road. Although that was done the second I decided to become a follower of Christ, today proved it is a daily decision. All day, every day.
I apologize for stupid long blog posts... A day in the life my friends.
I would say I have truly looked my faith in the mirror probably since I got engaged at age 18. Cliché right? I married my high school sweetheart and got my first taste of freedom at the age I was legally considered an adult. My faith was so superficial before that point. Before that point I did not ever have to prove my own faith (except in abstinence, which was again the fear of the Lord and my earthly, law enforcement, faithful father).
When faced with recent troubles in life, all I can do is look in the mirror and at my husband who has been with me through all of it. We prayed. We read our bibles. Yet here I am on a Sunday on my couch "blogging" instead of being involved at church. I have no good reason. I don't believe in excuses EVER, so I will definitely not throw that out there. The only thing I could think of is how selfish. I have friends facing divorce, alcoholism, depression, and everything under the sun. But OH, Haley had a bad day so I will just stay home from CHURCH. The people that I need and that need me. This entry is so grammatically horrifying ha.
Never indulging in the story behind my frustration, I think I have finally realized how I have made church a job. There are times I clock in and clock out. I am late to bible class approximately 95% of the time. I am late to my job approximately NEVER. Another truth I hate to admit, but if someone is willing to read this I am willing to be transparent. I literally looked my husband in the face last night and said, "life sucks". Do I truly think life sucks? Maybe. He being the amazing man he is reminded me of every reason why I know life in fact does not "suck". Life is hard. God never guaranteed ease in this life. Yet when it gets rough I run. I close myself out. I do not want to talk to anyone. I want to sit on my cough and angrily type about myself. HA it sounds idiotic and probably is. At least it may be entertaining.
The past 4 days have been the hardest days of my life. Hard. That is all. I do not have cancer, my marriage is probably the best it has been, I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet (not currently, the whole lazy couch thing). Basically I have never gone without. EVER. Think about that. I have had it EASY. Yes I have faced trials like nursing school, marriage in general, living in a town I despised, the list goes on. Never have I had it hard.
You want to know what makes it easy? No one came and dragged me out of bed. No one texted or called and asked where I was. Ha, it just opened my eyes to the fact that if I let my faith fall of the face of the earth, it might be easy at first. Now someone would start to notice that I was nowhere to be found when I am supposed to teach Wednesday night bible class to Pre-K and K, but really? Today was easy to give up, and I hated it. Because when you stop and think about, on that great day when Jesus returns who is there to drag you out of your filth? Who is there to say, "Well she really meant to be a good Christian, but it was so hard."? No one.
So for maybe just a day I tried to make this life easy. I tried to skip out, but apparently the gift of the Holy Spirit is urging me to not do easy. Easy to me is locking it up, letting no one in, putting the smile on my face and talking about the weather :) Which is probably another reason for my foul mood.... I vow to no longer take the easy road. Although that was done the second I decided to become a follower of Christ, today proved it is a daily decision. All day, every day.
I apologize for stupid long blog posts... A day in the life my friends.
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